


I know the shame in your defeat

by Odium333



Series: Zuko is sad hours [2]
Category: Avatar: The Last Airbender
Genre: Accidental Coming Out, All Round Sad, Angst, Child Abuse, Fartherly Relationship, Gay Zuko (Avatar), Gen, Homophobia, Hurt Zuko (Avatar), Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Internalized Homophobia, M/M, Ozai (Avatar) Being a Terrible Parent, Ozai (Avatar) is an Asshole, Past Child Abuse, Protective Jee (Avatar), Protective Zuko’s Crew (Avatar), Through The Power Of Self Acceptance And Yelling Into The Sky, Zuko (Avatar) Needs a Hug, Zuko (Avatar)-centric, but it gets better
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-25
Updated: 2020-08-25
Packaged: 2021-03-07 03:20:12
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,842
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26110066
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Odium333/pseuds/Odium333
Summary: “When Jee met Zuko the first thing that struck him was the sheer tininess of the prince. He was thin, almost concerningly so, and he barely reached past his uncle’s waist. His prepubescent face still clung to baby fat.Half of his face was wrapped in bandages and Jee knew the injury underneath must be horrific.”OrJee hates the fire nation, Ozai and homophobia. He adopts Zuko along the way
Relationships: Iroh & Zuko (Avatar), Jee & Zuko (Avatar), Zuko & Zuko's Crew (Avatar), Zuko (Avatar)/Original Male Character(s)
Series: Zuko is sad hours [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1895764
Comments: 55
Kudos: 1094





	I know the shame in your defeat

Lieutenant Jee was sick of the ocean. Sick of the salt air, the rude people and the demanded acquiescence that came with the fire nation military.

He had been born and raised in a harbour town, salt water ran through his veins just as much as blood did but the Wani with all it’s creaking wood and poor supplies had tainted his love of sailing.

His father had been a fisherman and his mother a naval officer. Before he even reached the age of 10 rope burns scarred his hands and thousands of different kinds of knots were seared into his brain. It wasn’t a surprise when he enlisted in the navy at 16.

It also hadn’t been a surprise when he hated it. Following an arrogant old man’s orders 24 hours a day, violence for the sake of violence- it left him bone tired and grey by his 40s.

He was dishonourably discharged at 43. ‘Refusal to comply’ it had said in the letter they sent to his widowed father. He was sent home for refusing to burn a teen for the crime of a minor mistake.

The lad was barely out of puberty, voice not yet broken, all he had done was spill the mop bucket. The commander, a non bender, had ordered him to burn the boy’s palms so he would feel his mistake every time he mopped the floor.

It was sickening, the ease at which those in charge can discard those they see as below them. Rebellion stirred deep inside his gut.

Jee was dropped off at the next port, free from the entrapment military until 10 years later when he received a letter from the firelord. 

He knew better than to refuse a letter like that though he couldn’t help but question why a lieutenant who had pushed his commanding officer overboard would ever be allowed to work under the crown prince of the fire nation.

  
  
  


When Jee met Zuko the first thing that struck him was the sheer tininess of the prince. He was thin, almost concerningly so, and he barely reached past his uncle’s waist. His prepubescent face still clung to baby fat.

Half of his face was wrapped in bandages and Jee knew the injury underneath must be horrific.

When the bandage was taken off a month later to reveal a red, sticky mess Jee threw up over the side of the Wani, he wasn’t the only one. Puss oozed from blisters and around the now glassy honey eye was a dark red, almost maroon, burn in the shape of a hand.

Any sympathy was soon buried under annoyance as the boy grew more comfortable in his position of power. The prince would yell and spit fire, demanding 100% effort 100% of the time.

Zuko wasn’t outright cruel and he conformed to the expectations he laid down for his crew, working himself to collapse on multiple occasions. That didn’t stop Jee’s bones from aching though.

Anger was easier to process than the rapidly growing questions about why a 13 year old prince with a newly burnt face was chasing a ghost so the crew allowed it to fester. 

They let it grow and rot until all they could feel for the banished prince was disdain, any compassion burnt by years of military service.

Every corner they could cut they would, even if just to annoy their commander. The only person who ever talked to Zuko kindly seemed to be his uncle who must have the patience of a god.

The chef would add a few too many fire flakes to Zuko’s meal or Lieutenant-Commander Mokam who was in charge of Zuko’s firebending lessons would teach him a kata slightly wrong. Placing his foot an inch to the left, so his stance was weak and easy to break or moving his arm a bit too high so fire would go straight over the head of his duelling partner.

There were a million tiny inconveniences the crew managed to create and for someone with a temper as short as the prince’s was meant the crew was treated with countless angry outbursts.

Maybe Jee should have realised they were digging their own grave, creating mistrust on a boat as small as the Wani wasn’t a particularly wise idea but the part of him that still felt anger at his prior commanding officers, at the system that allowed cruelty to equate power, allowed it to continue.

Afterall, Zuko had nothing but benefited from a system that gifted those born into power. It was infuriating for a rag tag team composed of mainly fishing village peasants and adults who spent their childhoods in the slums.

  
  
  
  


2 and a half years into the journey and the crew seemed mostly comfortable with each other and the Prince , save for the one close call at a mutiny which was swiftly ended by General Iroh.

Jee had found Zuko hiding under his bed, eyes wide and unseeing as he clutched a knife desperately against his chest. The rest of the night, after Iroh resolved the issue, had been spent pretending not to hear the sobs coming from the bedroom that Jee knew hid Zuko.

No mutiny attempts had been made since and the purposeful annoying of Zuko had settled down.

The Wani had been docked in the same Earth Kingdom town for a week now, an unfortunate incident in an unexpected storm had torn a hole in the sail and it would be a while before a new one was ready.

Zuko had been leaving the boat every morning and coming back in the evening with a half smile. Jee couldn’t deny his curiosity was peaked but he had seen the consequences of dipping into the prince’s private life (the chef had a bruise on his jaw for a week after a spoon was flung at him from across the table).

It wasn’t until Sunday that he finally found out where the teen was disappearing to. Jee had been sent to the market to pick up fresh vegetables for the chef (why they couldn’t do it themselves, only Agni knows) when he noticed Zuko.

The scarred boy was leaning on a market stall lined with hand embroidered cloth, smiling and laughing. His cheeks were tinged red and his hand was fiddling with the tassels hanging off a nearby rug for sale.

Jee stood and watched a moment, feeling strangely proud as he watched the 15 year old relax for once. With the angry glare gone, how young he was suddenly slapped Jee in the face again.

His face was still round with baby fat filling his cheeks and he had not reached his growth spurt. Apparently he was old enough to have a crush though.

From where he was stood, Jee couldn’t see the stall worker but he imagined a pretty Earth Nation girl, tan skin and green eyes, all smiles against Zuko’s anger but a matching stubbornness. It was sickeningly sweet.

That evening when Zuko came back after sunset, cheeks still pink and lips curved into a smile. Jee turned a blind eye.

Afterall, who was he to stand in the way of young love and if Zuko decided to stay in this harbour for a while longer so he could remain with his lady love then Jee wouldn’t complain. A rest day or two was far overdue.

The lieutenant stayed on the boat the next day, smiling to himself as he watched Zuko make his way to the marketplace. 

The afternoon was spent in relative peace, the sailmaker had not yet finished the repairs so the crew spent the hours lazing on the deck, sparring or playing cards.

“Where do ya think the lad is running off to?” Hanako had asked but Jee had merely hummed in response.

It was the most relaxed Jee had been in a while. He was the last one to bed that night, Iroh had turned in first and without the old man there to entertain, the others shortly followed.

But Jee was determined to talk to Zuko, any opportunity to tease (or bond with) the young prince should never be taken for granted.

The first sign that Zuko had arrived was hushed whispers, so gentle and soft (such a harsh contrast to the usual anger). 

“- really like you.” That was a new voice, not Zuko’s, it was more melodic and kind than the hoarse rasp that was Zuko’s voice. 

Jee almost blushed at the tender confession even if it wasn’t directed at him. As a sailor he could cope with any amount of swearing, he had seen injuries so sickening they left even hardened soldiers heaving but sweet words under the cloak of night whispered by teens destined to be torn apart by their ancestors’ war? Enough to make even him blush like a teenage girl.

Curiosity bloomed alongside the weird fatherly pride Jee had begun to associate with Zuko. Who was this night time sweetheart that even General Iroh seemed to not know?

Jee tiptoed across the deck, avoiding planks he knew creaked under foot and made his way to the side of the boat that would allow him to see Zuko. 

Hands clutching the side of the boat, Jee peeked over to see Zuko stood by the docking station holding hands with another boy.

The boy looked 15, a head taller than Zuko and muscular. His hands were interlocked with Zuko’s, their foreheads touching. The scene was so disgustingly sweet that the shock of it not being a soft earth kingdom girl but a buff boy was almost lost.

“Me and my crew are going to be leaving soon,” The prince’s voice was thick with emotion “but I want you to know that I- I really liked the time I spent here with you, Li.”

The other teen, Li, brought a hand up to stroke the unscarred side of Zuko’s face, thumb moving back and forth slowly.

Suddenly they were kissing, a chaste short thing, barely a touch of the lips but Jee still felt like a creep, peaking in on a teenage relationship. Zuko’s face turned a horrendous shade of red as his eyes opened wider than Jee thought possible, almost popping out of their sockets.

“I’ll see you around, Zuko. Come say goodbye before you leave.”

And , oh shit, Zuko was about to board the boat again and see Jee who in his current position looked like a fucking pervert.

Jee hurried back to his seat at the starboard of the boat, hopping over creaking wooden planks. 

Zuko clambered up the Pilot’s ladder, a dopey smile on his face and face still tinged red before he saw Jee.

“Lieutenant.” Zuko said in greeting, smile dropping- swiftly replaced with such a condescending sneer that Jee knew he would do anything to wipe it off. Including some mild embarrassment.

“Sir, if it’s not too insolent may I suggest a more appropriate curfew when you wish to meet your… partner. You’ll have your uncle sick with worry.” Jee smirked easily as Zuko’s face fell.

“Lieutenant, I beg of you please don’t tell my uncle,” and oh shit Zuko was dropping to a seiza position.

The prince was knelt a few meters away from Jee, head bent down and hands clutching the material of his trousers.

“-sir?” Jee asked cautiously.

Zuko’s eyes flashed up, brimming with unshed tears.

“Jee, please, just don’t tell my uncle.” Zuko took a heaving breath “I know it’s shameful and unnatural, I won’t do it again I swear just please don’t tell Uncle.”

Zuko’s voice possessed such a fearful note that Jee almost felt sick. His eyes were blown wide and his shoulders trembling.

Jee took an unsteady step towards the kneeling figure, determined to comfort but unsure how.

“Si- Zuko, you’re not in trouble. I was just joking.”

The teen shook his head violently, “You c-can punish me however you see fit,” Zuko choked on a sob “Just,  _ please _ , I don’t want my uncle to hate me. I don’t want to be alone.  _ Please  _ sir.”

To the end of his days the older man would deny the sharp pamg of utter fear and confusion that struck his heart at that moment. The prince of the fire nation was kneeling before him begging and apologising for kissing a boy.

The teen’s shoulders were trembling as he struggled to maintain eye contact with the lieutenant. His lips were between his teeth, a nervous habit which had often left the skin on his lips torn and raw.

“Zuko,” Jee took a deep breath, silently thanking his childhood firebending teacher for drilling into him the importance of breath and emotional control “I’m not going to punish you. Now come sit and we can talk about… whatever this was.”

Jee extended a hand out to the teen, palm facing upwards and a painful smile painted on his face. It was only when Zuko flinched away, body jerking and hands coming up to cover his face, that Jee realised his mistake.

Zuko toppled back, the sudden weight shift sending him tumbling. Jee let him correct himself, not eager to scare the boy again.

“Come sit with me, kid.” Jee smiled against the consuming sadness “You’re not in trouble, I promise.” Zuko stared, wide eyed and mouth agape before nodding once.

The two made their way to the chairs on the deck that had been left out by the crew after an evening of music and cards. The seats were arranged in a half moon around the well worn card table.

“Sir, I don’t know what that was about,” Jee began as he took the furthest seat possible from Zuko “but I’m not going to hurt you and neither is your uncle.”

Zuko’s eyes were tinged red around the rims, puffy and swollen with tears. He shook his head and took a heaving breath.

“I know my behaviour is… unnatural. My father made it clear that my disturbing nature will only disappear with proper schooling. You don’t have to pretend just because I am your commanding officer; I am still in need of guidance.”

“I agree, Sir. You are in need of guidance but not about your love life. Loving one of the same gender has been common practice for decades. The guidance you need is in leadership skills.”

Looking at Zuko’s face, filled with such shame, Jee began to regret being so harsh.

“We have been a hard crew to lead, especially for a teenager on his first mission. I swear to agni that we will work harder to cooperate with you. On the condition you learn to  _ relax for once. _ ”

“You- you don’t care that Li’s…” Zuko’s voice dropped to a whisper “that he’s a boy?”

“Sir, if I may confess, you are not the only one know to enjoy the company of men,” Jee rubbed a large hand down his face “My partner back at home, Yoten, is a man and the engineer, although a female, refuses to lay with any man though she has no trouble picking up women at every harbour we stop at.”

Zuko looks perplexed, shame swapped with confusion.

“But my fath- the fire lord, he told me it was unnatural. That I was an abomination. He told me if anyone found out, they would never be as kind as he was.” The teen’s voice was so painfully uncertain it ached. 

“Your father’s a dick.” Zuko gasped, maybe at the curse but more likely the blatant casual treason. 

“Jee you can’t say things like that. You can get executed for stuff like that.”

“Why not? You going to report me?” Zuko shook his head hesitantly “the rest of the crew agrees with me so who’s going to tell the executioners?”

Zuko shrugs, hands fiddling in his lap again. Red cloth wrinkling under nervous fingers.

“Zuko, your father was so, so wrong about you. You’re so much more than a failure.” Zuko laughs sardonically “your kind and brave and the most hard working man I have ever had the displeasure of working for.”

He smiles timidly at that. His golden eyes scan Jee’s face for any dishonesty.

“Whoever you like has no bearing on your worth as a human. So repeat after me.” Jee takes a deep breath before yelling into the sky “The Fire Lord Is A Dick!”

Zuko nods and takes a deep breath, puffing his chest out.

“My Dad’s A Dick!”

Iroh asks about it in the morning but he doesn’t seem angry. In fact, he seems rather happy at his nephew’s newfound self worth that involves hating his father.

Jee taps his own nose twice and smiles across the mess hall at the teen who was chatting amicably to the engineer. He can’t hear all of it but he picks up bits and pieces like, ‘His name’s Li’ and ‘so pretty’ and ‘and he actually laughed!’.

He doesn’t dare deny the fatherly glow that bursts in his chest, not when Zuko is so clearly in need of an actual dad, not just an abusive fuckface.

  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  


**Author's Note:**

> Zuko, a baby gay: :(  
> Jee, an adult gay: haha, guess I have a son now
> 
> REQUESTS ARE OPEN FOR ATLA ONESHOTS! 
> 
> I don’t really know how to feel about this fic, cause on one hand I really like the look at Jee and his perspective but on the other hand I’m the kind of writer who can’t wrote plot or dialogue so all I have is long sentences and charcter studies.
> 
> Hope you enjoyed regardless!


End file.
